"The feeling of being disconnected to the world is the payment for trying to be something your not..a loner.  The feeling you are losing your friends because of one person is the payment for not talking to them about truth, about standing up for what you believe in because you are afraid you will lose them.  Now you are losing them anyways.  The feeling you could have stopped something before it started with only a word is the payment you get for not getting involved. Watching your friend slip away into darkness, watching people you know become perverted around you, knowing you are too weak to do anything to stop, knowing that you are too weak - willed to want to stop it.  Watching everything you held dear slip away because of your stupidity mask.  Heartbreaking."

"The people I know turn to dust, The Friends I had turn to Strangers.  People I thought I could trust turn deceitful. "

Sometimes I can't shake the feeling that if I had gone to 7th and 8th and 9th grade in the public school instead of run away in fear and go to a christian school, so many things would have changed.  Maybe I could've kept my friends from wandering so far off the right road.  Instead I come back my sophomore year to find my friends have changed.  I had to get to know them all over again, and the differences were astounding.  They smoked, drinked, partied.  Some of them had had surgeries.  In the end I felt alone there.  I feel alone there.  There isn't anyone of my old friends whom I can relate to anymore. I tried, oh how I tried.  But in the end the only one who changed was me, something I promised myself I wouldn't do.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't drink, smoke, or party. But I was...corrupted...for lack of a better term.  I get sexual jokes now, and know most of the terms.  Thats it. Just a small change, I guess.  Besides that I am still the "Good Boy" (as someone called me one day).

If I could know the truth, I would not know it.  A lie is easier to believe than truth after all.

And so life continues, I am tired, but my school work is mostly caught up.  Prom is coming and though we already bought the ticket I do not know if I want to go...or if i just want to sleep.

I’ve seen this dream before

The abyss between school and safety

I’ve heard these words before

But now they’re real

The curtain of lies around my eyes

Parts further everyday

And everything I knew fades away

I feel lost in this new world

A world where words hurt

I need to feel complete

I feel emptiness

And all I see are lies

My ears are failing me

My instincts are slow

But Lord I know you are there

Helping me as I go

You won’t fail me

Or turn into something your not

Your are the constant

I am not

I can’t depend on myself no more

I can’t fight the truth

I need you.

"The world has changed.  Or is it me? The life I led, has gon and left me.  The veil of lies, has been rmoved from my eyes. I am left behind." - Jonathan May

Long story short I discovered something last week that changed my whole outlook on life.  I think I've found the abyss from my dream.  Now i just need to not try and fall in it.

zachary rusk, I would like to talk to you soon.

"Why can't we all just go back to a moment ago, a moment before we all slipped away."

"Take my hand, Hold my hand" - Jonathan May

So I had a dream saturday night, long story short, (I can only remember half of it anyways) I end up falling into a deep abyss with the words "Hold my Hand" Ringing in my head. I can't seem to get that out of my head.

"I'm falling, falling down a massive a abyss, between safety and school" - Jon's Dream